Waiting For The Day They Feel Good

So as a warning, I’m heading to my sisters for the next couple of days and because of certain reasons she does not have internet. Thus meaning I will be unable to update for the next couple of days until I come back from hers. However when I do come back I might do two posts a day until I have made up for it. So this poem was actually written in the car on my ipod, before I transferred it onto my computer. This was actually the first poem I showed people such as friends and family and what not, of which I was actually really nervous about. I wrote it not long after “I Can’t Hate You” so here it is.

Hiding My Tears…

 

These tears in my heart.
They are tearing me apart.
You can’t see them.
That’s because they are hidden.

I want to yell, scream.
I just wish it was all a dream.
A fake smile.
It will only last a while.

Please excuse me while I cry.
On my own, yet I will live my little lie.
Pretend I’m happy.
So no one guesses I feel so crappy.

Bottle it up inside.
I can’t confide.
I’ll close my shell.
Like a protective spell.

I don’t know what to do anymore.
Smiling just seems like a chore.
I want to cry.
And I don’t know why.

Just leave me alone.
I want to be on my own.
Wait no I don’t, I need your love.
I want you to be my love.

I don’t want to be lonely.
But you won’t be my one and only.
So ill continue to cry inside.
And ill pretend I never tried.

 

 Well most of us know the feeling of liking someone that doesn’t like you the same way, and we also know how much that can actually hurt. My problem was that I was “in love” with this guy, and had been for a little while. However he was just leading me on because he knew exactly how I felt and he just wanted a “back up girl” I know not very nice, but its how it was. This was also the same guy that was saying he was going to kill himself and what not in the first poem, he will actually show up a lot in this blog too.

I felt like I had to pretend to be happy because I felt like this wasn’t worth being upset over and I didn’t want to be silly. I also always felt I had to pretend I was happy because I was the “strong one” that everyone leaned on for support, and thought that because of that I always had to be happy. Not for myself but for the people I loved that needed me, however bottling it up is never really good but I’m sure you know that.

I find it silly how people can think talking to others about their problems and letting it out can be a burden on the other person, even though I think that sometimes. So a lot of people just bottle up their feelings until they just can’t take it anymore, when its really so wrong. We shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help sometimes, it’s not a crime to be sad, or afraid, or confused about a situation, however we still do these things. I think its also down to the fact that we don’t want to show weakness, not even to people we love. I know thats how I feel sometimes, but I can’t seem to help myself I do it without even meaning to. I just think it would be easier if we could just let ourselves go.

Well thankies for reading, please let me know what you think, some constructive critisim would be great!

Over and Out!

~Neakie

I’ll Never Let You Down, Even If I Could

Well at the moment I am as dead as a doornail (yes I’m a zombie!), so I apologise in advance for any extra spelling mistakes that may result because of said deadness. So I’m not 100% sure when I wrote this one, as in what time of the year. However it was the next one that I posted onto my mibber after “Pain, Suicide, Death” and “Rejection” as mentioned in previous posts. I actualy wrote this for a friend of mine, as how my friends are feeling can really effect how I feel. Honestly I can say I’m not totally embarrassed of this poem, I don’t think its great… Well I don’t think its even good but I don’t think its “Oh gosh its burning my eyes” terrible. So I’m going to now stop blabing and actually show you the poem.

I Can’t Hate You

She cries her eyes out.
She wants to shout.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

The words repeat.
Like an ongoing beat.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

Its so sad I want to cry.
She’s so sad she doesn’t want to try.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

Up so late.
And she doesn’t hate.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

Her heart is broken.
She’s just so shaken.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

So many questions run through her head.
As she lies in bed.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

She doesn’t know what to do.
How can this be true.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

A fake smile she tries so hard to keep.
But the pain runs too deep.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

The words over and over in her head
As she cries in bed.
She can’t stop them.
She can’t hate him.
He ended it.
She feels pain in every bit.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I CAN’T HATE YOU…

 

Well as I said before this was inspired by a friend of mine who had recently been dumped by her boyfriend. Who she only just had allowed herself to show how much she cared for him. She was really quite upset about it and in tears at school and so on and so forth. I hated seeing her so upset and so broken in a way. She was always so strong and it was different and very sad to see her actually broken down and feeling so worthless.

My friends and I are quite close so when it came to how they were feeling we pretty much knew, not to mention she confided in me and told me all this stuff and how she couldn’t sleep along with other things. I was really worried and sad for her, so I wrote this I guess partly for myself and partly for her. I think what I was thinking when I wrote it was that it kind of showed her someone still cared about her, and  it helped me feel better by venting it out.

I actually think its crazy how close my friends and I can be, we feel each others pain and happiness. We love these crazy, nut heads we call our friends because they are there for us in times like these and they know just what to say to make us smile, even if it is just for a split second. I honestly don’t know where I would be without them, I know it sounds corny but they are so amazing, sappy I know.

Anyway thank you for reading, please comment and tell me what you think, what I could do better etc.

 

Over and Out!

~Neakie

Bury The Memory With A Red Face

Alright I figure its probably good to go back to the start and keep it in order. Other wise I’m just going to confuse everyone, including myself because I’m hopeless like that. So this poem I admit is completely terrible, I wrote it the same night that I wrote my poem “Pain, Suicide, Death” (the one that started it all). After writing that I felt really inspired to keep going and write something else, however what resulted in that was… Well not something I’m very proud of. You will find that a lot of my early stuff I hate to bits and think that there are so many different things I could have done with it, to make it less crappy. So please don’t expect this one to be any good, but read along anyway?

Rejection

You complain that none likes you.
But when someone dose.
They aren’t good enough for you.
Only one girl that gives you that buzz.

You don’t want me.
I understand.
But her beauty…
Just listen you must understand.

Her beauty, her kisses, her LOVE.
Will never be yours.
You cant get help from above.
But you still seem unsure.

Don’t you understand?
You may reject me, because you love her.
But she will never love you, the way you love her not that any of this was planned.
You just need to know you cant have her, but if you want you can have me.

So you no longer have to be lonely.
So you can move on…

 

 Alright now you know what I mean when I say crappy. I can honestly say I am slightly ashamed of this poem, but I’m starting from the start and going though it all. So this was at a time in my life when relationships did not exist for me, he was a good friend of mine (not the guy in the first poem) and well as you can tell I had a crush on him. He came to a movie day with everyone and we sat together and cuddled in the cinema. However he was in love with my best friend Lozzy, that name will probably come up a couple times in this blog so remember it yeah?

 

I think at the time when I wrote this poem I was telling him he had to decide as to weather what happened in the cinema meant anything or not. At the time I was a little lonely and just really wanted someone to care about me, so I was trying to get him to choose me. As even though he was in love with Lozzy she was not attracted to him at all, it was all very silly now that I look bak at it.

 

Thats always the way it is though, when we look back on ourselves when we were younger and the stuff we did we think “Oh gosh, why in hell did I do/say that?!”. Cause we are always changing and becoming more mature, especially in the teenage years. I know I look back on some of the things I got so worried about, or things I said and did and I think wow none of that would even slightly bother me now, or go bright red and try to bury the embarrassment as deep down in my memory as possible. I guess thats just how life goes hey?

 

Well thank you for reading, please comment and tell me what you think? Also if you enjoyed this read my other posts? P’s and T’s

 

Over and Out!

 

~Neakie

Give It Another Go

Okay so I have noticed a few of the people on here that post poetry just post the poem and nothing else. So I’m hoping that this is actually a little different than most of the stuff on here, hopefully different in a good way. Also instead of showing you another one of my crappy older poems I figured I should show you some of my newer crappy poetry. This is about a guy that will actually pop up into a few of my poems as a lot of different stuff happened with him. I wrote this one quite recently, probably about a month or two ago possibly more. Believe it or not I am actually slightly proud of this one.

 

End Before We Begin

 

Jumping on this merry-go-round one more time

And we will take it for another spin

But you won’t let me off till the ride ends

 

You’ll lie and I’ll pretend you’re mine

And I’ll just leave my heart in the bin

And afterwards, yeah we’ll call us friends

 

But this time, no I won’t cry

We’ll spin round this last once, but never again

No there’ll never be another chance

 

I know we aren’t worth the try

But after this I’ll break from your rein

Yeah take my final stance

 

So let’s jump off this merry-go-round

Before it even starts

And we can finish this easy

 

We don’t work we have found

So let’s use our smarts

Yeah its cheesy

But let’s end before we even begin

 

So well I recently got out of a relationship with a guy who actually cheated on me a couple times. We dated once and then he broke up with me and afterwards I found out he cheated. He then later wanted to date me again, and of course I was worried about it, didn’t particularly wish to get back into a relationship with him. However I was in love with him so it wasn’t as simple as that.

He always lied about everything and when I wrote this I was extremely confused as to what to do, while still knowing what I should do. However what we know we should do and what we actually want to do are not always the same. I knew I shouldn’t want to be with him and the best thing for me to do was to just stay away and not get back together with him, but I wanted to be with him because as I said I was in love with him. He would not really let me go in a sense and I guess thats really all there was to it. Except for the fact that I didn’t take my own advice.

So in the end sometimes we have the choice between what we should do and what we want to do, and sometimes we regret it less if we do what we want not what we should. I know I don’t regret it now, although it was the better idea to not date him again, I still will never regret what I did. A bit philosophical maybe? I don’t know, but I would love to hear your opinions on my poetry or on my blog, it would be greatly appreciated, also constructive critisim is much loved. Thank you for reading!

Over and out!

~Neakie

In The Beginning

I’m new to blogging and all this jazz however I’m trying to get my poetry out there so here goes. I’m aiming to post each day with one of my poems, and a description of what the poem means to me and why I wrote it, along with other things that inspired me. Eg. songs, other poems, pictures, art, people, etc. I’m also trying to expand my writing skills so some of these will be on the spot poems and I also don’t have hundreds of different poems I have written…

I started writing poetry around a year ago, possibly longer. I use it as a vent, something to get my emotions out along with my art. So I figured with this blog I should start at the beginning, with the first poem I did, well the first one I did to vent my emotions. It was my first actual attempt at poetry and I know its not great, however it was helpful to me when I was going though a tough time with a mate of mine. I’ll show you the poem first and then explain what was going on and what not…

Pain, Suicide, Death

 His heart bleeds for the one he loves.
If he carries on like this soon enough his corpse will be covered in bugs.

He smiles to keep his friends happy.
His laugh a bad attempt a peppy.

His unhappiness such a shame.
A few to blame.

Only a few of his friends know he’s suicidal.
Oh what a title!

On the inside he hurts.
So on the outside he cuts.

His rejection is too much.
But he still keeps up his bluff.

He decides he can’t carry on.
So…long after dawn

He finds a knife.
To end his life.

In a pool of blood lies his unconscious body.
His mum finds him all bloody.

He wakes in a hospital.
But this isn’t possible.

I should be dead.
Not in this bed.

His friends will be pissed.
And still he thinks he wouldn’t be missed.

The scar a constant reminder.
Though he isn’t much older.

Suicide always a nagging voice in his mind.
Some think him blind.

To throw away a life.
With a knife.

To want to take his life.
With a knife.

He still wishes he was dead.
Suicide always in his head.

But one day…
He takes closure that one day… Someday…

Maybe not far off…
The light of life will leave his eyes.

So that was the first poem I wrote, kinda… I had a friend of mine who was saying that he was suicidal, and that he had actually tried to kill himself. I was fifteen at the time and the whole thing was sending me on an emotional rollercoaster so I felt the need to vent. I really cared about him and scared that I was going to lose him, as I had never lost anyone before. He was always a cutter and I was constantly worried that I would never see him anymore, so this was a very emotional thing for me. In the end he was fine, and this started a new thing for me causing me to continue writing. So whenever I have felt down or inspired I have written and have gotten up to about 45 poems.

So this was my first blog… I hope it was interesting? I would love to hear feed back on what I could be doing better, or what you think of the poem. Thanks for reading!

Over and out!

~Neakie